170 | The Intersection of Conscious Leadership & Parenting with Rachel Duffy
Our guest today on the pod is Rachel Duffy. Rachel is a family law litigator and mediator turned coach who helps busy leaders increase their effectiveness at leadership and parenting. She is the founder of Sagacity Lab.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
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Rachel Duffy Awarepreneurs Interview
SPEAKERS: Paul Zelizer, Rachel Duffy
Paul Zelizer 00:02
Hi, this is Paul Zelizer, and welcome to the Awarepreneurs podcast. This podcast is all about the intersection of three things, conscious business, social impact, and awareness practices. Each episode I do a deep dive interview with a thought leader in this intersection. Someone who has market tested experience, and is already transforming many lives. Before I introduce our guests and our topic today, one request if you could go over to iTunes or whatever app you're listening to the show on, hit the subscribe button and do a rating it helps tremendously. Today, I'm thrilled to introduce you to Rachel Duffy. And our topic is the intersection of conscious leadership and parenting. Rachel is a family law litigator and mediator turned coach who helps busy leaders increase their effectiveness as leaders and parents, She's the founder of suggests that he laughs Rachel, welcome to the show. Thank you so much, Paul, it's such an honor to be here today. It's a lot to talk about pork hair, my heart has just been cracking open and just how much parents are dealing with. So, so grateful to have you here. Before we get into your work, Rachel were called to wear printers. And one of the things we like to do to get to know somebody is to hear about a wellness or an awareness practice that you personally use to help you bring your best self, your resilient self to this really important, but not always easy work day after day, week after week.
Rachel Duffy 01:25
Yes, and I think for parents, and I, myself have three young children, and my day is very packed. So I have had to cultivate a practice of micro meditation for myself. Before I had kids, I would meditate every day for 20 minutes, sometimes longer. And when I became a parent, and certainly in this, the last six months of of our experience, things have become very hectic. So I have cultivated a practice of micro meditations, which means I meditate for maybe a minute at a time. But I do it multiple times a day. And it's much easier for me to find a minute, then to find 20 minutes, and it's better to find a minute then to not do it at all. And those minutes, multiple times a day they add up. And they just grounded me recenter me helped me refocus and, you know, find my heart space in order to respond from a conscious place, not a reactive place. I'm known on this podcast for saying seven minutes a day, right? I used to like try to do all the things. Yeah. And I scaled it down and I got much more regular, I can always go up, oh, wow, I have more time or more kind of shaky today or something big Yeah, running. So many go to 20 minutes. But I just got so much more regular when I made it doable. And just so that it fit in the context of a busy life. And that happened when I was an active parent. So I just yeah, I can't recommend it even more highly than what you're suggesting. And also oftentimes, you know, we meditate, let's say first thing in the morning. But our moment of anxiety or being close to losing it is not first thing in the morning, sometimes it's in the middle of the day. So if you can stop in the middle of the day for 30 seconds even or a minute, then it ends up being more productive and effective. So from family law litigator and mediator to coach who helps leaders and parents like give us a little sense of that journey. Rich? That's a good question, and not an obvious answer. So I think for me, the fit the connection within the family, the connection between the members of the family has always been super interesting. I've always been drawn to that. And I think I went into family law in order to really dive deep into that family unit from the place where it quote unquote, breaks down. I wanted to understand what is happening in that moment where the family unit changes, and how do I understand their connection from that place and then work backwards. So I you know, litigation and family law practice. Certainly when it comes to custody battles, I would say 80% of it is psychology. And only 20% of it is true law. And most of it is about the interpersonal relationships between members in the family. So I've always kind of been in this and then when I became a parent I had to really examine this myself, I had to look at my own ways of connecting with my husband, with my children, how our family unit was being created. What worked? What didn't work? How was I parenting from ego? Most of the time, to be honest? And how do I shift out of that? How do I create a different type of connection, a different type of relationship within my family, to make it more fulfilling, and, and kind of to be more aligned with what I had hoped becoming a family would really be. So I dive deep into conscious parenting for my own family. At first it had, I had no intention of taking this beyond my family unit. But as I got deeper into it, and people just started asking me for advice. And after a couple of years of that, I said, Okay, maybe I should just get certified as a coach, and start doing this as as my work in the world because it's so aligned with what I want to do in this world with the change that I want to bring about in our society. That darn personal growth process shakes up another career.
Paul Zelizer 06:27
It's such a common and a beautiful answer, right? We like do some work, and we change ourselves. When we look at our career, like whoops, wait, my values, say this, and my career is over here. And there's a gap here, and so many of us reinvent ourselves there. So I don't mean to make fun of it. But just like now, I resemble that remark, Rachel, like, and I think so many of our, both our guests, and our listener will. So resonate with what you just shared. So So that's how you got into the kind of like, Alright, I'm going to go into this domain, where did the leadership like our episode title today is the connection is the intersection between conscious leadership and parenting? So that's how you got into the parenting part of it. Like, right? How does leadership fit into this, you know, the Gestalt here.
Rachel Duffy 07:17
So, you know, in in one of my professional iterations, after I stopped litigating, I ran a fashion company, and I loved being in the corporate world, I loved it, I loved running a business, I loved everything about business, I had people that that were, you know, under, under my supervision and my authority. And this is and leadership became, it became clear to me that the way I manage people will determine how well the company is going to do, it's not so much about our product, even, obviously, the product is important, but it was more about the team, that the team that's managing that's making the company run. So I was super interested in my own ways of leading. And when I become when I became a parent, I realized, Oh, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's just different participants. So the way I parent my children, very participants are
Paul Zelizer 08:25
little bit younger, right?
Rachel Duffy 08:30
You know, while they're younger, on the outside, but on the inside, they're not right? Because really, it's about spirit to spirit connection, and making people feel seen and heard, and, and them knowing that they're important and valuable. So it doesn't matter if they're three year old, or if they're 35 year old, they still need that same emotional need. We all do. All humans do. That's how we're wired. So if you can figure out how to create a connection like that, with a human being, it will make you a better parents, a better leader, and just an overall, happier human being.
Paul Zelizer 09:14
So as we're recording this at all, it's a pretty pointed time, right? So this global pandemic, and so many challenges both for parents and for leaders. Let's start with parents. There's like so much going on. We were joking, but it's only partially joking parents have had to figure out on top of whatever work you do in the world and you know, getting things the house making sure the house is clean. Kids are where they need to be become like teachers and the IT department because you know, many parents have been many families in schooling at home and, you know, the custodia and all the things right. So talk to us a little bit the parents in your networks and your clients and What's going on for parents in this unprecedented contact?
Rachel Duffy 10:05
I think there's a lot of anxiety right now. And it's understandable. We've, our lives have been turned upside down. And we are all globally experiencing anxiety, whether it's parents or non parents, adults, children, just across the board, everybody's been experiencing anxiety. And parents have been having a very hard time regulating themselves. And they've been having a hard time maintaining connection with their children. Even though we're at home all the time, right, we're with our kids a lot, a lot more than we were before. But still, the connection piece is missing. And really everything that was going on in our families before the pandemic has now become magnified. So all the problems that we were somehow glossing over now have fully erupted like a volcano, and we are forced to deal with them. And that's really causing a lot of anxiety, stress. And even, you know, some low grade trauma, I would say,
Paul Zelizer 11:16
and you have some tips for parents, you know, working with their own anxiety and being able to be more supportive with any anxiety their kids might be feeling. Tell us about the
Rachel Duffy 11:27
Yes. So first of all, we need to normalize the anxiety. This is this, the anxiety, feeling stressed out and anxious over what's happening in the world is a normal response to our reality. So first, let's not feel bad or shamed about having these feelings. Second, let's understand where it comes from. Because we had this idea in our minds of how reality was supposed to be, we're supposed to go to work, kids are supposed to go to school. Even if we're in quarantine, they're supposed to be on zoom all day, they're supposed to do their work. But then the reality is very different. They don't want to go on zoom, they're tantruming, I can't leave my house. I haven't put shoes on in weeks. So the reality. And the idea, the fantasy in our minds are very far apart from one another, there's a huge gap between them. that gap is where the anxiety forms. So we try to bend the reality to fit as much as possible into the idea into the fantasy. But really, that's futile, because it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, it doesn't work. And then we get even more anxious. So for starters, as adults, let's recognize where our anxiety is coming from, and try to step back a little bit from our fantasy, our idea of how reality should be, and let's accept reality the way it is, this is our reality right now, like it or not. And actually, once we step into the present moment, with full acceptance, what that means is that we can be really proactive and effective in the way we respond. As opposed to when we're busy. In our minds, when we're busy just dwelling in that gap, which is kind of like a never ending cycle of anxiety, then we become paralyzed and ineffective. So I know for those of us who are also leaders, that's a very uncomfortable place to feel like we're ineffective, like we're not doing not getting anywhere not producing. It challenges us. And similarly, as parents, it challenges us to So, you know, with with parents, when I work with parents on the anxiety, we work a lot on how do we accept our current reality? And what steps can we take to make that reality the best it can be in this moment? Then in addition, I also work with kids, including my own kids who experience anxiety. So I want so let me just tell you, what I work on with my kids is befriending their anxiety. Meaning, don't try to get rid of it. It's there. It's part of you. It's not all of you, but it's part of you. So let's get curious about it. Can we approach our anxiety with inquiry? Where does it sit in our body? Does it have a shape? Does it have a color? If it could talk to us? Could it say something? Can we understand our anxiety as nothing more than a messenger? It's just a messenger trying to communicate something trying to tell us we need to put our attention somewhere. So let's get curious about it and be open to hearing hearing what the anxiety is trying to tell us. And then I also for parents who have children, I would say, maybe age 910. And up, there's a book that just came out by Dr. shefali, and rini Jain and it's called super powered. And you can get it on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, or wherever you buy your books. And it is specifically written for children, as a manual for children to help them understand anxiety, manage anxiety, and not feel paralyzed by it.
Paul Zelizer 15:36
We'll make sure to put a link to the book and all the other resources in today's episode in the show notes. Sorry, it's your boy, there's so much I was thinking about your my daughter's 20. And when she was, you know, being born and in the circles we moved in, there was a lot of attention to attachment parenting, that was sort of the, I don't know, the frame of the moment back then. And, and as these kids started coming up, but you're talking about perfectionism, and and as these kids that were being raised in families, you know, I think attachment pair, wanting to be connected with your kid is an awesome thing. But there is also some issues that came from that. And so much of it is like people were clinging to the ideas of what attachment parenting, or an a parent who cared about attachment was supposed to do that they've been really, really, really, really, really anxious, and so are their kids, because we nobody could live up to what the books that we were supposed to. So this thing that was supposed to help us and and it did, I'm so grateful for our research. But there is a particular kind of angst and you know, disconnect and pressure and stress that, you know, it wasn't always applied in the most kind in scope away. And what I hear is like, some wisdom from you, I think, which is like love your vision of wanting to be a conscious parents, but especially in the midst of pandemic, can we just practice a little kindness and just recognize it's going to be a little messy, and it may not live up to your fantasy or that article in such, you know, mindful magazine or whatever is going to be messier than that. Is that fair to say that there's a desire to make more room for parents to be human?
Rachel Duffy 17:22
I love I love how you phrased that? Yes, absolutely. You know, a lot of times I think of it as I think what we're missing for the most part is we are very zoomed in, in our lives. Meaning that there's so many things to do, you know, we have to feed them and clothe them and drive them and provide their education and a roof over their heads. And there's, you know, a never ending list of things we need to do as parents, and that doing consumes us. And then we forget to zoom out of that to more of a, like a 30,000 foot view of where are we taking this family unit? How are we guiding our children? What role are we playing? Are we just in the doing, because there is no connection in the doing, there's no connection between human beings when all you're focused on is the doing, the connection exists at the level of the being? So the question is, can we as parents move out of the doing a little bit out of the everyday details that need that I recognize they need to get done, I do them as well. But I also make sure to reconnect on us. I mean, I don't I it is a spiritual level. But I also I don't want it to sound too woowoo because it's, this is the true this is where true connection between human beings resides. So it's it's a level where we are just being to being where we can see that we we are propelling their growth just as much as they're propelling our growth. And in fact, most of the time, I would say they are raising us, as opposed to us raising them.
Paul Zelizer 19:19
I like to say the two biggest personal development courses I didn't know I was signing up for was parenting and entrepreneurship. And they both have stretched me and so I'm a better human for both, but I didn't know how much. I was like, oh, Paul wants the advanced course. Sure. Oh, goodness.
Rachel Duffy 19:42
Yeah, so true. So true. I resonate with that, too. I didn't know I was signing up for it either. And here I am now coaching.
Paul Zelizer 19:49
Exactly. That'll stretch it even further. Right. So, so that's a sense of like what parents are dealing with Rachel and then let's go another layer which is you bring In the intersection of parenting and like, I don't know too many parents right now, regardless of their situations, you don't feel extra stress, extras, just emotional load, and anxiety. And then when you start adding on the leadership ..
Paul Zelizer 20:16
Talk to us about what happens when already kind of overwhelmed just in the home domain. And then in some way, you're somebody who has some leadership responsibilities. And also just a sense of like, one of the things I'm on this planet to do is to, you know, have some impact, and I want to be a leader, and I'm at home feeling anxious, and then there's all rustle in the biggest economic crisis of our lifetime. So what's happening in that intersection? And how are you seeing that show up in clients lives and people in your networks lives.
Rachel Duffy 20:52
So that that's a really good point. And it's, again, it's parallel to the parenting process, because when we can unplug a little bit from the doing, because as leaders, we also now our list of things that we needed to do, and that we need to do, has multiplied tenfold, and we're trying to do it remotely. So again, there is no connection between human beings on the doing level, you have to step out and step up into the being level and connect with people there. That will in turn, it informs the doing level. So the being level is not just some, you know, spiritual, new agey thing, if we want to get super productive and effective at the doing level, we have to be connected spirit to spirit, we have to be united and super tight as a team, at home or at work, in order for everybody to be the most effective, productive, they can be on the doing level, again, whether that's at home or at work. Does that make sense?
Paul Zelizer 22:11
Totally makes sense. And so you talked very eloquently about the stressors at home, what are some of the stressors at work, and particularly when you're a leader at work?
Rachel Duffy 22:23
I think in these current times, the number one stressor is finances. Because companies are now some companies have experienced financial growth during this time, but many have not. And the ones who have not, the leaders of those companies are feeling exceptionally stressed right now. And that affects every person on the team, everybody can see that on an energetic level, even if you're not sharing it. Even if you're not becoming vulnerable to your team, as many leaders don't do that. It doesn't matter people people get, subconsciously they absorb your energy. And they can tell if you're stressed out or if you're anxious, or if your presence or if your mind is somewhere else. All of this is information that we file away in in our subconscious, and it informs our behavior. If I sense that my leader that the CEO of my company is super stressed out, the company's not doing well, as an employee, if I'm not really connected, and loyal in in this team, I already have one foot out the door now, I'm already planning my exit strategy. So leaders know this. And so I think those are the types of stressors that are affecting people during this time, more than normal. And that's why it's even more important than it was seven months ago, that we invest in the relationships internally. And actually with all of our stakeholders, not just our internal teams, but with all our stakeholders, this is the time to put the spotlight on relationships, because that is what is going to drive our success. On the doing level, which is financial.
Paul Zelizer 24:19
There's a kind of saying and in no popular culture about you know, your tenant goes up, right people talk about your kind of non literal, like humans don't literal antennas, although we do have literal antennas. They're called mirror neurons, right? And what these things do is they give us a sense that we use tone of voice and body language and facial, you know, expressions and all sorts of these subtle subtle word choices and tone of voice, all these things that we can't even track consciously, to have a sense of like, what's going on another human beings experience in there. Nervous System back in the day when we were, you know, tribally, we needed to know somebody who didn't speak the same language was like approaching our tribe, did they intend us good or harm, and we couldn't use words, we couldn't ask them. So we, you know, anyway, lots and lots of reasons we developed this literal antenna. And so the leader comes in, and we're, like, super stressed. And we're like, oh, my gosh, I might have to let people go or like, we got to move the needle, because I promise someone so that this was gonna happen or so and so's like not really performing great at work, because they have things at home, and I'm trying to, like, help them with it. But like, multiply that by the whole team, that's so hard. If we're bringing all that in an unconscious way into our work environment, people will notice and then the whole team's level of stress and anxiety goes up. And like you said, Rachel, that's not usually thing in many work contexts that we can talk about. And suddenly, everybody thinks it which was already as high as higher than normal. And you want to talk about how to ruin a human's capacity to be innovative, and do good creative
Paul Zelizer 26:09
customer service and follow through and remember things, all that when we're stressed goes down, which is exactly all the research tells us what we need to be high if we want to increase profitability. So what a what a poignant, poignant situation where,
Rachel Duffy 26:25
and also, you know, right now, we've been stripped of our masks that we used to use to deploy on ourselves, we were used to having a certain image that we projected out in the world, we were, you know, a strong leader, a competent leader, we were some of us are, you know, dressed a certain way we project strength, that there are all these different masks that we had on and they've been stripped away. All of a sudden, there's there's nowhere to go, the meetings are all on zoom with my bedroom, or kitchen or wherever it is, I happen to be in the background. I can't maintain the facade anymore, none of us can maintain the facade anymore. And that makes us feel really vulnerable. And certainly those of us who have had a lot of masks on, feel very vulnerable. And that too, is contributing to our anxiety
Paul Zelizer 27:24
being forced to put on literal masks, and we're having our psychological. Yes. What a poignant, and thought of it that way. That's beautiful and very poignant. So let's do this. I want to take a break here from our sponsor. And when we come back, right, Tony here, how you work with clients in this intersection. So do you have a business that has the desire to have more positive impact and change people's lives, and you want it to grow? If so, one of the most helpful things I know that you can do to grow a business like this is podcasting. On either side of the mic is the way we talk about it today. Rachel is a guest. I'm the host today that but whichever side of the mic, you're on podcasting is an opportunity to have deep dive conversations about really nuanced topics where you don't have to do it in, you know, a 13 word meme, or 17 seconds, you know, Facebook ads video, right? The average podcast episode is 43 minutes long, you can go deep and for that reason, I love podcasting for people who have impact oriented business, if you could use a little help to learn how to use podcasting on one side of the mic as a guest, or you're thinking of launching a podcast so you want to do both. We're partners has a podcast access to where we really dive in and help people learn how do you find great podcasts if you want to be a guest? What kind of technology do you need? If you want to be a podcast host? Where do you put it out there in the world? How do you market an episode? All of that with these kinds of businesses is in mind if you could use a little help learning how to use podcasting to grow your impact business. Go check out the were printers podcast success team, the link will be in the show notes. Come tell us about what you're up to. And let's help you get into community of people understand what you're doing. And we'll help you learn how to use podcasting to get more clients and customers. Thanks aware printers and everybody in the podcast success team sponsors this podcast Three, two, let's talk a little bit about your specific work. So this intersection of conscious leadership and parenting it just feels like it's always sacred work. But like right now, right here in the midst of these confluence of crises, just feels like just I just want to say thank you for the work you do.
Rachel Duffy 29:54
Thank you for saying that. It is it's really deeply connected. With what I feel I've been put on this earth to do. And I really feel like it's got the potential I don't feel I know, I know, it's got the potential to change the entire world, one parent at a time, one leader at a time, because even if we don't grow up to become parents, we were children, all of us were children. So if we can educate parents, on how to communicate how to create connection with their children, those children then grow up to become adults, who are leaders in our society, who are, some of them are parents. And some of them are, you know, just members of our society, but we can change the fabric of humanity by elevating the consciousness of parents.
Paul Zelizer 30:58
I think parenting is one of the most impactful things a human can do on the planet. And as a deep out to you and all of our listeners who are parents especially have younger children, you know, not that parenting a 20 year old doesn't have some challenges in parenting a two year old is a different thing than parenting a 20. year. So I'm just parents of young children who are also paying attention to your impact as leaders, just my, my are my gratitude, my compassionate what an incredible time. It's just a deep out you, Rachel and everybody who's in that situation right now. If somebody is in that situation, just like, we were talking, before we hit the requirement is o m, F, G, right? Like, oh, my freaking goodness, right? I mean, I'm trying to parent well, and like we are in a pandemic, I'm trying to be a scopa. Leader. And we have like, his intense polarization and the biggest economic racism and social unrest, and, you know, people protesting all over the world about Black Lives Matter and all my freaking goodness, right? Just anything you want to say to that person who's in this intersection and trying to do it skillfully. And they're just like, Oh, my freaking good.
Rachel Duffy 32:15
Absolutely. I think, I think always parenting, there always comes a point. And certainly now when we feel I am not ready for this, I was not prepared to handle this child. Under these circumstances. I don't have the skills to do this. Nobody gave me the right manual or any manual. And I don't know what I'm doing. I'm in over my head. Can I speak to the manager, please?
Rachel Duffy 32:44
Can I get a refund? right? Exactly.
Paul Zelizer 32:48
That was not in my contract universe! Right.
Rachel Duffy 32:51
Exactly. And that and that's really that's such a that's exactly the place where we start oftentimes, in my work is the acknowledgment that we had an idea of what it was going to be like, we had an idea of what kind of kid we were going to have, what parenting was going to look like. And then the reality is that it's so different. Or we had one kid who came out really easy to parent, and we got that kid, and we, you know, we felt really good about our parenting skills. And then the next kid came along and turned everything upside down. All the stuff that worked with one kid doesn't work with the second kid.
Paul Zelizer 33:32
Takes us to our knees, right?
Rachel Duffy 33:34
yes, yes, it does. It does. And so I take parents through kind of a three step approach. The first step is we have to examine the cultural conditionings, the limiting beliefs, and the ancestral patterns that we grew up with. All of us grew up with those, that's just part of being a human being. When you're raised in a family, in a culture in a society, these things get ingrained in you. And we accept them as facts as reality as truths, but they're not. So we have to examine them and see what serves us and what doesn't anymore. And oftentimes, there's more that doesn't serve us then there there is, that does serve us these limiting beliefs, these conditionings these ancestral patterns, they're like shackles on us. And we are never going to be free of them until we raise our consciousness, raise our awareness to them and start working on breaking them as needed. Then it's not enough to look at the old and break it down. We also have to repair it, we have to put something new in in its place. So oftentimes, I tell parents the importance of working on, let's say, generation And old patterns is not just that you can break free from the generational patterns that don't serve you. It's that you can create generational patterns that do serve you, and your children and your children's children. So it's really important work. And it's a huge responsibility that we have, as parents, are we going to dump the old generational patterns on our children? Or are we going to create new patterns that are more conscious, that are more aligned with our values, and that serve us and our future generations. So oftentimes, people kind of understand, yeah, there's some stuff in my childhood, or the way I was brought up, that doesn't align with my values anymore. And I want to change it. And sometimes they can even. And sometimes we even are able to, you know, either we read books, or we were exposed to different parenting styles, like you mentioned, attachment parenting, and, and we can kind of try and replace the old with something else. And it does reveal a certain path to connection with our children. But it doesn't really click in until we also take that another step, which is how do we implement this in our daily lives? It's not enough to have all this figured out in your head, you have to understand the ways in which our egos are very sophisticated. And we have to understand the ways in which our egos continue the patterns, even if in our heads, even if consciously, we've said, No, no, we're not doing those, we're not repeating those patterns anymore, we still repeat those patterns, they just look very different from the way they looked in the past. So we have to practice daily, in little micro steps, how to create new patterns, how to create new neuro pathways, it's not something that happens overnight. But once we got once we can have all these steps dialed in and working together, then that's where we can find patients, where we can end the day not feeling guilty over how we yelled, or how we treated our children, we can be truly connected to them. And we can step into a role of guide, a source of inspiration, a safety net for our children, which is where I think most parents would like to see themselves not micromanager controller constantly, I have to tell you what to do and point out the ways in which you're failing to do all the things I told you to do. But rather be able to see our children for who they are, be able to accept them for who they are not who we wish they would be. And then become a source of guidance and inspiration to them trusting operative word trusting that they are going to make the right decisions for themselves. And it's okay, if those decisions are vastly different from the ones we would have made.
Paul Zelizer 38:11
Do you like to call it the lighthouse parent?
Rachel Duffy 38:14
I do because you know, to me, that's kind of what I would like to embody, the lighthouse just shines it's light, it doesn't force the ship to come to it. It doesn't, you know, call attention it trusts the ship that the ship will find it, the ship will find the lighthouse when it needs the lighthouse and when it doesn't, it's probably okay. So there is a certain level of trust that one has to embody, both in oneself and in one's children. And in the process of parenting. It's not a super quick, give me a couple strategies, a few tips. Let me memorize a script that I can say to my child the next time they're melting down. That's not what it is. It's not a it's not a game. It's a relationship. And we have to treat it. It's a sacred relationship, not just any relationship. So we have to look at the spirit of our child when they come to us who they are. Let that spirit unfold. Let's see what's in there. We don't even know what's in there. Before we even know what's in there. And before our children know what's in there. We've already dumped a million things in there to make sure that their spirit stays somewhere deep inside. And so conscious parenting is really the unlearning of all of this more than learning it's unlearning
Paul Zelizer 39:45
in a big way that you've been doing this work, Rachel's one on one right. Classic coaching kind of unpacking. I love what you said about the importance of looking at the cultural conditioning and the ancestral patterns we got And then establishing new, like embodied patterns and practices and and anything you want to say about how you work with people one on one.
Rachel Duffy 40:10
So there are a few ways that I work with people. One on One is certainly a big part of my work, because it's really that this journey is very individualized, the way you were raised is not exactly the way I was raised. And oftentimes, people because it's such a vulnerable work, people want that privacy. And I respect that. So I do work with people one on one, and we take our time to understand how we got to where we are. And then we can argue Yes,
Paul Zelizer 40:45
like, How the heck did this hard?
Rachel Duffy 40:48
Yes. How did I find myself on my knees? And you know, for those of us who came, or who come from a background of entrepreneurship and leadership, we've been really accomplished and successful in many areas of our lives. And then we become parents. And it brings us to our knees, and we think, oh, my goodness, I you know, I sat in boardrooms with the toughest of negotiators, and did fine. And this two year old just brought me down to my knees, what the heck is going on. So it really challenges our identity on a on a very deep level.
Paul Zelizer 41:24
And then a group program that you're we're launching, tell us about that?
Rachel Duffy 41:29
Yeah, so in probably late November, I'm going to launch a group coaching program. And the the premise behind it is, I think there's a, there's a very, there's huge value. In learning this stuff. In community, I keep my groups really small, because I still want to maintain the ability to give one on one attention to people, I also want to honor and respect the fact that people have come and are willing to be very vulnerable and open, it can be painful to look into the past at times. So you know, I keep my group small for that purpose. But there's a huge sense of sisterhood and brotherhood in these small groups and having people go through the process together and be able to support one another. It's a beautiful thing. And I don't, I don't want to exclude that, from my experience and how I can do this work in the world.
Paul Zelizer 42:38
I love groups and the full disclosure I got wrote many years ago, I got roped into doing an emotional intelligence parenting group by somebody, female facilitator, and I was running a men's center and I was a pretty new Dad, I had a two or three year old. And our funder grant er said You two need to talk and she said we should read the script together. All right, you understand I'm pretty new to being a parent. And I don't feel like an expert at all. But there were way more women than men. And people kept asking what do the guys do? And how do we how do we get the dads and we had lots of programs engaging young men as fathers. So anyway, I was like, as long as you don't expect me to be an expert, I'll come in and talk to anyone about anything. And I'll be very humble and real and authentic about where I'm, you know, what I don't know. And where I do. It's a small community. And there just weren't that many men who are willing now in the conversation. So suddenly, I was the CO facilitator of emotional intelligence parenting group. And like you were saying, it was so incredible for me and the participants to be in conversation with other parents who are really prioritizing, like you were saying, it was not a like, if you do this equation, your kid will do the dishes. That's not it was very much in this deeper, like, how do you connect in an emotional intelligence way and from there navigate the dishes, or the clothes on the floor or the grades are lower than they need to be at school? Right? It was one of the more impactful learning experiences in my life. And I share that listeners just to say if you have any inclination to step into community and learn with other people who are willing to be vulnerable about parenting, I can't recommend it highly enough.
Rachel Duffy 44:22
Thank you, Paul. And, you know, I think you I'm sure you can resonate with this. I, at least in my experience as an entrepreneur, oftentimes, that was a that was and it still is a lonely road. Because you feel, oh, I'm the only person who's got responsibility over the outcome of this entire business or this entire company or this entire team. And it's, it's a bit daunting. And so when we can come together as entrepreneurs in a community like aware printers, that's extremely supportive and helpful for all of us to bring At our best, and it's similar in parenting groups, it can be very isolating. And it's very easy to think, Oh, I'm the only one that has this challenge. I'm the only one that's failing. Because on social media, all my friends seem to be doing amazing in their parenting.
Paul Zelizer 45:16
All the kids are always dressed to the hilt, and they're out there taking fall pictures, and my kids like wearing masks, and I've got tears running down my face in tears. Right?
Rachel Duffy 45:28
Right. Right. And I'm, I'm the first to admit, I've been deep in conscious parenting for probably seven years now. It's not that I don't have moments of difficulty with my children. Of course I do. Like anybody does the difference. The difference is not that the kids all of a sudden, like I wave a magic wand and the kids are now compliant and obedient, not at all. The difference is in how I understand that behavior, and how I respond to it. That is completely shifted for me. And I don't, I don't suffer in my parenting anymore, if that makes sense. So what when I'm faced with a parenting challenge, instead of feeling like I don't have the tools for this, or feeling like I failed in some way, or having to resort to yelling or losing my cool. I can respond from a place of understanding. Okay, I have I look, I peel away the layers, I deconstruct the layers of what is happening with my child, in order to understand what is the true unmet need that my child is expressing right now? And how do I meet that need? How do I support my child? How do I support the family as a unit?
Paul Zelizer 46:47
So we talked about quite a bit of the challenges and there are many of them, I don't want to in any way imply that this is not a very complicated time and challenging time for many families, and many parents and many leaders. I also think there's some benefits, right? I was joking, but it's not a joke that both parenting and being a leader, being an entrepreneur, are some of the most growth inducing experiences I've had in this lifetime. When somebody kind of gets that dual track, you know, they got dual majors. They're a leader or an entrepreneur, and a parent, and they're paying attention as best they know how even if it's messy. What what happens when somebody says yes, I'm gonna like really try to bring that like deeper, not just formulaic, but really try to find connection, as both a parent and as a leader slash entrepreneur, when they get on that track, what happens to somebody slay?
Rachel Duffy 47:49
That's a great question. I really feel like it's a death and a rebirth. So if we look back at our lives, we've had several iterations, you know, we're not the same people we were when we were 20. And we're not the same people we were when we were 15, we've, we've evolved, and we've changed and every iteration of our lives is like a new birth. So to some degree, when we shift into that place of elevated consciousness and awareness of our role as parents of our role as entrepreneurs of our role as leaders, we've really propelled ourselves into another dimension of living. And that dimension is completely different, and will continue to evolve on that dimension as well until we propel ourselves to yet another one. So it's a it's a constant journey. It's not like, oh, let's do this concentrated work, I'm going to put everything into it. And then I'll be done. It's never done. It's an iterative process. Every time we do another iteration around, our triggers, our wounds, our conditioning, our patterns, all those things continue to come up for us. But as we evolve, we do and we iterate around those issues, we chip away pieces, one at a time. Every time we chip away a piece, I think we're able to free ourselves and experience the joy in a way that we didn't know how to do before. Because it's joy that is untethered. No strings attached, no guilt attached. And certainly for those of us who were raised in a Judeo Christian culture, even if we're not religious, we absorbed that there is an underlying message of guilt in the culture. So once I think when we do our work, and as we raise an awareness and consciousness, we're able to detach Joy, from guilt. And we're able to experience joy in a more in a more fulfilling way. And that pertains not only to our joy within ourselves, but also with others, like our family members, our friends, our spouses, our children, anyone,
Paul Zelizer 50:20
Rachel, I could hang out and talk with you all day. But I wouldn't do that. Do that to our listeners, it's that important topic. And you know that much about it. But if there was something that you were feeling like, is really important, and we haven't yet touched on it in this intersection, or you want to leave our listeners with something that you want to emphasize, as we bring this conversation to a close, what would that
Rachel Duffy 50:48
I would say, in general in life, certainly right now, there are some things we can't change, we can't change where we are in this pandemic, on an individual level, we can't. But we can change how we respond to it internally, we can take ownership of our state of mind, whether it's at home or at work, we can take control of ourselves. So in many ways, this experience that we've been going through globally, has offered us an opportunity to work on ourselves. It's offered us an opportunity to pivot internally, we've constantly been hearing about how we've been pivoting externally pivoted, our businesses, we've pivoted our lifestyles school has pivoted on all these things on the surface level have pivoted. I think we need to also pivot internally, work on ourselves. This is the gift of time that we've been handed by the universe, to elevate to awaken to raise our consciousness and to change our lives.
Paul Zelizer 51:56
Rachel, thank you so much for being on the show today.
Rachel Duffy 52:00
Thank you, Paul, for having me. It's been such an honor.
Paul Zelizer 52:04
That's all the time we have for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. Just a quick reminder, we now do episodes, we drop episodes twice a week, every Tuesday and every Thursday at 5am. Eastern time. So we love listener suggested topics and guests. If you have an idea, please go to the web printers website and go to our contact page. You can see our guidelines and please tell us what you think we should be talking. For now I just want to say thank you for listening. Please take really good care in this point in time. And thank you for all the positive impact that you're working towards in our world.